The POTW: Verse Til It Hurts


POTW #706
(Week of 6 December, 2009)

At the coffee shop this morning, I spotted a small child wearing an elf hat that was more like a musical theater event than a hat. Its many charming but unnecessary features got me thinking about how new products these days are hardly ever created in order to solve problems or fill needs like keeping your head warm. Instead, they seem to be exercises in combining two or more existing products into one "convenient" package, with the apparent end goal of devising a single item which will do absolutely everything. I took copious notes, and then, on the way home, stopped at the market where, I kid you not, I saw a can opener that came with thirty free music downloads. Demonstrating once again the futility of attempting to satirize life, which will always do you one better. But I'll keep trying.

Orchestra Hat

A hat that sings is a wonderful thing
And when the lights are blinking
Around the head in green and red
It stimulates the thinking
A wiggly tip hails passing ships
In case you're lost at sea
It's internet ready and gyroscope steady
It heats your coffee or tea
It points to the west using GPS
To keep you on the path
The record changer alerts you to danger
By doubling as a seismograph
The news of the day is neatly displayed
On the side of the bayonet sheath
There's storage for sneakers and built-in speakers
That sonically whiten your teeth
With hummingbird feeder and microfilm reader
Eleven gears for speed
Kaleidoscope and soap-on-a-rope
It's the last hat that you'll ever need!

Copyright © 2009 by Dave Grossman

Permanent link to this entry:


The POTW has been on hiatus for a few years now, but you never know when I might pick it back up again. If you use a blog reader of some sort, you can add the poem to it using This Link. Or, if you like, you can have the POTW sent to you by email every week (it's FREE). With our high-tech automated system, all you have to do is send an email to from the mail account where you want to receive it, and we'll put you on the list. You will receive a confirmation by email, although it may take a while as the automated subscription process is quite complex and arcane. (You can see just exactly how complex and arcane it is by taking our guided tour.)

No strings are attached. No salesmen will visit your home. No spam will occur. Your privacy will be vigorously protected. If you have questions, consult the FAQ.

Buy This Book:

Interested in more? Check out "Ode to the Stuff in the Sink," Dave's illustrated book of "guy" verse (concerning the deeper philosophies of things like not doing the laundry, putting your feet on the furniture, and of course beer) at the Maximegalomporium (our store). And did I mention it was illustrated? Pictures!

Where Do You Get Your Ideas?:

Like any self-respecting citizen of the modern age, I use machinery.

Other Frequently Asked Questions:

Consult the POTW FAQ.